Tick Tock Tick Tock

Biopsy done. (If you're new to my melodrama read up here) The procedure itself wasn't horrible, the freezing hurt but I didn't feel the actual biopsy. It didn't look great though, doc was moving the needle in and out of my neck like he was plunging a toilet. Let that visual marinate for a bit. Yeah.

I was asking a lot of questions, radiologist told me it's a better sign when there's multiple nodules as opposed to just 1, and I have several. Doctor however, less helpful in the talking me down department. He was very matter-of-fact, which they usually are, but when you're a mom looking for someone to tell you you're not dying and leaving your kids motherless, "matter-of-fact" sucks ass.

My neck is a little tender, I feel like I'm swallowing a golf ball and it's swollen so I'm sporting an Eve's Apple, sex-ay.

Now I wait 10-14 days for results. That's *if* I get results, apparently 1/3 of thyroid biopsies come back inconclusive cause they take so few cells. So I might have to do this again... yay.

Call me a Hypochondriac...

I have a biopsy scheduled for next Thursday. I discovered a large lump in my neck shortly after Jack was born and went to see my GP. He sent me for an ultra-sound of my thyroid. Two and a half agonizing weeks later my doctor's office called and told me they found a 3cm x 3cm x 3cm nodule on the right side of my thyroid and several smaller ones on the left. They couldn't tell the pathology of the nodules from the ultra-sound so they booked a biopsy at the hospital for me after the holidays.

I got off the phone and hit Google pretty hard. I read up on Hashimoto's disease, Hyperthyroidism, Hypoparathyroidism, Hypothyroidism and the big one, thyroid cancer. My sister has a lump on her thyroid co-incidentally (or not, as these things tend to be hereditary) that is benign (in a weird freakish turn of events, her boyfriend discovered a lump on his Thyroid around the time she was scheduled to have her biopsy and his turned out to be cancer.). Like mine, her's is not causing any other noticeable symptoms. She's opted to have her thyroid removed as hers is very pronounced and unlikely to go down in size. Given my age, gender, the rarity of the aggressive kind of thyroid cancer, and my sister's nodule's pathology, my odds are good this is nothing. Something easily treatable with time, medication, or a day surgery.

So why am I terrified?

I get through my days no problem. My 3 small children do a great job of keeping my head (and body) occupied. But when I'm up at 5am nursing Jack, and the house is quiet and still, my mind goes to dark places.

This morning as I was looking down at Jack's sweet face as he nuzzled into me, I wondered how one explains to a 4 year old that mommy is "sick". Or if my 2 year old would have any memories of me if I died. Or how my husband would be able to handle 3 kids while I went through Chemo, or God forbid, was alone.

It's ridiculous. I haven't been diagnosed with anything. I haven't felt even the slightest bit sick. I have no symptoms. But that word, cancer, even the slightest, slimmest, most unlikely chance that that's what is attacking my thyroid, scares me to my core.

I'm not ready to leave my children. I'm not ready to leave my husband. Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes.

I crawled back into bed this morning after Jack had filled his belly and slid over to my husband's side just to feel him breathe. He woke up and asked if I was okay and we talked about how I felt. He reassured and comforted me enough that I was able to fall back asleep.

3 hours later my 4 year old came into my room and announced that it was morning, and my day began. Another day closer to my biopsy.