This is the last week of school. Kids everywhere are counting down the hours until they're free. And so am I. For the last year our teen aged nephew has been living with us. It's been a long, frustrating year and to say that I'm excited the end is in sight is an understatement. Before I go any further I should say that's he's not a bad kid. He never did anything REALLY bad like stealing from us or harming our children in any way. It's just been a lot of little headaches all rolled up to make one gigantic stress on our family.
Why he moved in with us
My sister-in-law is a single mom. Her estranged husband passed away when the boys were quite young. My sister-in-law had to work, sometimes multiple jobs, to keep her family afloat. The boys were often left to babysitters when they were young and then on their own as they got older. They became unruly and their behaviour was becoming increasingly violent and disrespectful towards their mom. They started using drugs and drinking, and the younger of the two (who was just 15 at the time) was stealing his mom's car. Both of them were missing a ridiculous amount of school and they were failing everything. My sister-in-law, in an attempt to spend some time with her boys, took them on a little family trip to a southern state where her husband's daughter from a previous relationship lives so the boys could see their half-sister and her new baby. While there, an incident occurred at the resort they were staying at and state troopers were called. They were going to arrest my sister-in-law and deport the boys when my brother-in-law (her brother) was called and he managed to talk them into just sending everyone home.
As soon as they got back my sister-in-law kicked the boys out begging my brother-in-law to take one of the boys and for him to ask us to take the other. She was at the end of her rope and emotionally she just couldn't handle the stress anymore.
Everything happened so fast
In a flurry of late night phone calls my brother-in-law explained to my husband the situation and asked if we could take one of the boys. My husband is the youngest of 7 kids in his family, and we're the only ones with young children, but we're also one of the most financially/emotionally stable couples in his family. The older of the two boys is my husband's godson and my sister-in-law doted on my husband when he was little as she was 16 when he was born. My husband always felt guilty that he could never be there more for his godson as he was in high school when he was born and then away at university and working right after. Without really consulting me J said we'd take in his godson. Now, I believe there's nothing more important than family, and helping family whenever possible, but I was worried about how we were going to handle a troubled 17 year old while raising our then 2 year old and 6 month old.
I was hopeful but skeptical at the same time
When he got here a couple of days later he was beaten looking. He was heartbroken and remorseful and I desperately wanted to help him. I felt that we could provide for him what he never had, a stable home. He told us he never had a mom to come home to. That the only time they ate dinner together was on holidays and that he was jealous of his friends that got to spend time with their parents. My heart went out to him. I'd come to learn later that he's quite the little actor and manipulator. (While what he said was true, he really wasn't that broken up about it.)
In the hour leading up to his arrival J and I wrote out a list of rules. Things that would get him kicked out of here without a second thought, like doing drugs, stealing, or abusing the girls in any way; and others that were punishable offenses like damaging the house (they punched holes in their mother's house and wrote all over their bedroom walls), missing curfew and skipping school. We tried to cover every scenario and left him very little wiggle room. When we told him our rules he flinched at some, like curfew as he never had one, but took it all with a surprising amount of maturity for what I had been told he was like. We explained that the more he fell in line the more we'd ease up on the rules.
He earned our trust and we gave him use of the car as long as he paid his own insurance. His curfew was extended and we started letting him out on school nights. The first time we left him alone here for a few days to visit my parents I was nauseous the whole time but came home to a house that was still standing. He's pulled his grades up significantly and actually excelled in some areas. I'm proud of the effort and progress he's made. But it hasn't been an easy road.
What I learned this year
Discuss how you plan to parent your kids right through til college
Couples usually go through a natural progression in their parenting. We were thrown into the deep end of the ocean, literally, over night. We're new parents and thought we hadn't needed to discuss how we'd handle the kind of issues a teenager presents just yet. We thought we had done what we needed to do when we created the rules list. I urge you to sit down and discuss your parenting philosophy with your partner and try to get on the same page, cause before you know it your kids will be in their teens and you'll be smacked in the face with situations you aren't prepared for.
It's "you" against "them", stick together!
He presented us with challenges everyday. He wasn't used to rules and tried to push the lines every chance he got. "Can I stay out for an extra half hour?" "Can I take the car to school today?" "I want to go to a concert 3 hours away and then stay overnight at my friend's cottage." We got asked questions like this all the time. We discovered my husband is the softie and I'm the hard ass. I'd say no and then right behind me J would be saying "Yeah sure." I felt undermined a lot of the time and after our nephew would leave we'd end up fighting.
My frustration with the boy was often taken out on my girls or on J as he would be gone and I had no outlet to express myself. Anytime I tried to bring up a problem with my husband he thought I was just being mean and he didn't want to hear me complaining about the boy anymore. So I became more and more stressed out and angry. I was the one who was home 24/7 dealing with everything and I felt like I didn't have any support, so I kept my mouth shut and vented on twitter which, although helpful, wasn't helping the situation. I eventually had a complete breakdown, with ugly crying, and let J know that I felt like I was doing this alone AND he was working against me. He saw my side and came around to being my back-up, but for a few months there I saw the possibility of separation in our future.
Don't be your kid's friend
Kids need a parent, not a buddy. My sister-in-law tried to be their friend. I suppose out of guilt for always working, and them not having a dad. But what happened was when she tried to lay down the law they walked all over her. My mom was tough on me and soft on my sister (at my dad's urging to lighten up!) and the difference in how we turned out is quite evident. I know now that being tough, but loving, is the best thing you can do for your kids. We laid down the rules with the boy and for the most part we stuck to them and he followed them. His grades alone are proof positive that the discipline worked.
Kids will lie, don't be gullible
The boy is the king of "the story". He always has some long, usually ridiculous, story about why he needs to do something, or go somewhere, was late for curfew or borrow the car. And he always times these stories for when we're the busiest, most tired or most distracted (a source of a lot of frustration for me). You need to become an investigator if you want to make sure your kid is telling the truth and being safe. I don't necessarily mean tossing their room like a prison cell (although J did do that once), but scope out their facebook page, check their school calendars online, and call other parents if you have to. I know now that when my girls are older if they say they're staying a friend's house overnight, I will be calling to talk to that girl's parents to make sure everything is on the up and up.
Teenagers are expensive and messy!
Holy Hannah. Our water bill doubled, the boy takes 3 showers a day. Our food bill is at $1600 a month, which is more than double what it used to be. We put an extra $50/month of gas in the car. He wears hoodies, thick ones, once and washes them and he owns like 30 of them. I have to buy detergent every week! His room has an odd decaying grass smell. (If you follow me on twitter you might know why... chewing tobacco spit in a water bottle... friggin' gross!) You can't see his floor. The bathroom, which he shares with my girls, and is responsible for cleaning, is disgusting. He never puts the toaster away. He puts the milk back empty. He eats 7 times a day. He leaves his shoes everywhere. He spilled coke all over the basement floor and didn't clean it for 2 weeks. The car now smells like stinky gym clothes. He takes our clothes out of the washer wet and throws them on the floor to wash his. Half our dishes are in his room, despite the no eating on the 2nd floor rule, and all of them are growing something. He claims things of ours as his own, like my portable iPod speakers. He... phewf, I needed to vent!
All that to say, expect your kids to one day become messy, selfish and expensive. Be prepared, save some money and hire a cleaning lady!
Looking forward
We had originally signed up to have him live with us for two years (he has to do another year of high school as he didn't earn a single credit last year) but the stress has taken it's toll on both J and I so when we found out we were going to have another baby we talked to J's sister and she said she was ready to take her oldest son back (the other one is still not allowed to come home as he hasn't made much progress and was kicked out of my brother-in-law's house too). I knew I couldn't handle sleepless nights, 2 kids and the constant "Can I do this?" "What's there to eat?"
"Can so-and-so come over and play XBox?" (where they swear loudly and wake the baby). I look forward to having our house back. I look forward to being able to focus on our kids and the major change that's about to happen. I look forward to being able to go to bed at a decent time instead of staying up to see if he makes curfew.
I hope he keeps up the hard work he started here. He has one more year of high school, and thanks to some long talks with J, he has a career direction he'd like to pursue. He's learned respect, and to value his mom, who he actually did miss quite a lot while living here. I'm glad we were able to help her, and him, by giving them the time, space and tools to get on a better footing in life. I don't regret having had him live here for a year. But I am glad to be getting back to our own family and focusing on us for a while. We deserve it.
